NERIMAN

NERIMAN

Neriman walked purposefully ahead. Under black clothes her figure was youthful and attractive. She was walking towards danger bravely, unable to calculate the risks.

Jamil was wondering whether Neriman was thinking about Rashid Bey; how he was cornered and had to kill himself. This situation was as dangerous as that. Did she realize the connection between these two events? Jamil thought that if she did she would be scared, for sure. How could she not? Her heart must be beating violently. If she is also scared for me then it is even worse.”

Jamil thought about the times when they didn’t have enough ammunition and he had to economise when the war was at its most fierce. He was furious in those moments. He felt the same anger now. He made a fist and punched his left palm,”If anybody touches her...”

When he walked up to the carriage his voice was cool. “Are you available?”

“No, I am waiting for the Doctor.”

When he heard this he was relieved. Then he turned the corner. Neriman was still checking house numbers looking for the address.

Jamil reached for his cigarettes but he thought better of it. Even though nobody was around he was careful not to show his face.

Mercilessly the wind was still blowing and hitting the woman in black, who was walking with difficulty.

Neriman found the forth house from the corner, climbed the three steps and rang the bell. When the door opened she said a few words quietly and entered.

The light was dim. Jamil couldn’t see the far side of the street. It was as if there was a grey curtain in front of him.

Jamil still wanted to smoke. When he followed Neriman to the street, his anger grew even more; it was as if his skin was being pinched from everywhere.

His shrapnel wound in his shoulder ached. He felt depressed. He felt alienated from the world like he sometimes had experienced before.

The soldiers in his Batallion were often proud of him when they saw Jamil not ducking his head while under intense fire. He was always standing tall. Look at him now; he is afraid of smoking even though nobody is watching. If somebody would tell his Batallion that their ‘Jehennem’ was afraid of smoking, the soldiers would not believe it. They would just laugh.

He was trying to see Neriman trudging through in the blowing snow. He thought about the desert storms that turn the day into an orange coloured pitiless night.

In a sand storm it is easy to ambush the enemy. That’s why both sides wait nervously while their hands are on the trigger. The slightest motion would cause random machine fire.

He felt like he had put Neriman in harm’s way, in front of those machine guns, in front of the trenches on a night like that. And he was standing behind, hiding. He thought about the other option of bringing a prostitute here for this job. His face changed with disgust. “That would be even more humiliating.”

He held his breath and checked both sides of the street wondering. “When did we turn into cowards? Was it a slow process or did we change instantly as though being ambushed? Why did we change? Using women, in a dangerous situation like this; in our own country, hiding in Greek houses; we are wearing women’s veils and trying to find a place to hide in. All these years, so much killing and so many losses... Why? Was it all for nothing?”

His anger was making him feel tired again, making him feel numb.  He was stomping his feet to warm up. He was shaking, not because of the cold, but because of the emptiness he was feeling inside. ‘Whose fault was it? Didn’t we do what we were supposed to do? Didn’t the rulers of the country know what they were doing? Why didn’t they calculate the risks? Why didn’t they realize that they were wrong?  When have they realized their mistakes?  Did they ever realize at all. Couldn’t they cut their losses? At what point did they know they kept putting us to harm’s way?’ He thought about all this and set his mind to finding out all the answers one day. All of a sudden he was curious about a lot of things that he normally didn’t think about. ‘Why did they use us as a distraction with the knowing that it was going to end this way? How was this possible? The people trusted the country’s rulers  and they took advantage of that. They were merciless. Was it that easy to let people die? He paused. “I sent Neriman. I sent her to the danger. I took advantage of her trust in me.’

Then he forgot about being cautious and lit a cigarette anyway.

That’s why he had such a difficult time explaining all of this to Neriman.”This is just like lying to a kid and taking his gold in exchange for a nickel. It is fraud! Why didn’t I have mercy on Neriman? Maksood was against the idea. I thought ‘even if she gets caught we will get her out of custody soon.’ She is not used to this kind of business. I didn’t care if she was scared. Oh! She must have been really scared. She can’t even touch my gun. Is she crying under her veil now? Her teeth must be chattering. She must have hid her fear from me. She might have even hated me!”

When he saw Neriman coming, by reflex he wanted to run towards her. Neriman was walking like a man, confident. She was taking large steps without worrying about her skirt getting all muddy. “Thank God, she wasn’t afraid. She is like a lioness!”Omer had old lady’s clothes on. He was walking slowly using a cane. Jamil was happy and relieved, ‘We did it! Look at Omer, such an actor!’He was just about to go to Neriman and link arms with her, but saw Neriman looking to her left, fearfully. She stopped walking.

As he had been waiting on the corner the whole time, he didn’t pay attention to the grocery shop in the street. A man got out of the shop and came towards Neriman. He said, “Hey lady, let me see your face, take off your veil!”

Neriman took a step back and screamed, “Jamil!”, and then she pulled herself together and yelled at the man, “Don’t touch me! How dare you!”